fuck, summer’s fast approaching. time to step it up. time to ditch this double chin.
time to try.
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I’m going to soar above the ground in my head and try to ignore the fact that he called me a mistake.
yesterday I went out for a supremely decadent lunch. it might have been the tastiest meal I’ve ever eaten. and it reminded me that so many times I eat out of boredom or convenience rather than appreciating what I’m ingesting. I need to stop that. I want to start eating for me. I want to eat when I’m hungry. I want to eat things that will make my body happy. I want to feel good about what I eat.
and going along with that, I want to take care of myself. I want to be better. I want to feel healthier. I want to look in the mirror and think “fuck yeah.” especially since summer is coming up. I want to be able to run around carefree in my swimsuit. I take that back, I want to do that, but I also want to turn heads. I want to unleash my inner bombshell.
I’m tired of being the funny one or the cute one, I want to be the blazing hot one. I’m starting to feel what that’s like, but I want to unleash my potential.
I want to be able to command an army - to provoke passion.
saying that, though, I need to evaluate my emotions and my romantic choices. because right now I know I’m sabotaging myself. I’m enamored with the one who isn’t enamored back, while I leave the one who is enamored alone. I think I’m so scared of emotional closeness that subconsciously I’ll do anything to push it away. I have no clue. this heart of mine is a mess. I need to try to start cleaning up.
that’s it. I’ve had enough of ridiculous online dating sites. goodbye, okcupid.
I logged on for the first time in weeks and it was just slightly too absurd for me to comprehend.
I’d rather be single in the real world realm, thanks.
I think I’m ok with not having a social or dating life.
or I’m lying to myself. both are highly likely.
anyway, this is my ode to returning to blogging. or at least attempting.
tonight my friend zach told me that he keeps thinking I’m a character in a TV show. he went on to clarify that if I were in a TV show it would be a reality show with me hanging out in the 1950s.
it’s one of the best compliments I’ve ever gotten.
